??....Random?

Wondering what am I to you now. I'm confused, and even I don't even know how to face it well. I wonder when i broke up with you, some of my ex find me back...... and new people that want to chase me ....even they didn't see me in real before, and there is one special now..... but I'm not that ready.... afraid that I might use this feel just to replace the missing feel when I'm with you. What is special in me? Why people like me where you just used me?.... I keep confusing myself... YOU ARE GONE... .... forever..? or temporary?....seconds ago? or years apart?.....There are times where I said to myself....Pingu.... Pingu.... where are you now? How are you?............................then I just knock off my mind thinking that PINGU HAD GONE! PLEASE DON'T THINK OF IT ANYMORE!
Hurtful moment when my mind against my emotional.....

Two papers failed, ES1 and Math 2, as I get my result and it does not effect any of my feelings. I just felt hurt when I think of you and your voice is like a poison to my emotional... I remember you keep asking..."Cant you just skip today class...just to accompany me....I needed you", yeah I wish to,... but then what do I pay for? skipping class or educational.....I know you do not need to study... no need to go college as you so easily give up on your studies... but you didn't think about me.....maybe you really need me.....and I KNOW THAT FEELING IS JUST TEMPORARY TILL THERE SOMEONE THERE HUGGING YOU AND DO WHATEVER THING YOU ALWAYS DO....this is what I though of.. to avoid letting myself to see you ...but sadly it just kills my mood to study when I'm in class.

Until Now

Till now, you may not like it as I just wan to be your friend, better than nothing rite? I do not want us to be close like the days before, you keep finding me and do "activities", who knows maybe you are up for it that seeking me to accompany you. I remember that you said I will be a talk to you among your friends, or izzit there is other reason that you do not want to follow you to clubbing? You want do what activities you do there, I don't give a damn to you cause we broke up already. SO what the point?

You told me you feel very comfortable when I'm around, but for me it is an up and down feeling feeling for me as I do not want to worry nor care about you... I'm trying to move on. You care mostly for yourself but rarely care about me.

My Intake = ="

Materials & Manufacturing Engineering, I wonder did you guys ever heard of this course or job. In TarC this weird course is about materials used to produce products all round you and the study of the advantages and the disadvantages of selecting that particular materials in manufacturing a product. (can be even condom)

DMT... more likely to be known the most united course (as in helping each other or in terms of communication) in TarC. My intake consist of 27 student with different ages... yet I'm still the youngest of all =D... sadly in term of mentality , some kid is younger than me.

Beside there is 2 more student who is the same "kind" as me..... I was thinking that, so small course got at least 3 PLU already - -" . Of course one is Panda' ex who need helps but do let in any aids given by us. The main problem with him is that HE ALSO DON'T HELP HIMSELF, therefore we ignore him when he needed help or something related to him.

The another person... kinda like me..and it is scary that he is also one of the top student in class..... and weird in a way ... but still he help us a lot by contributing all his maths answer to us =D

Overall everything seems ok yet I don't really know why I choose this course as there is no Chemical Engineering in TarC ~

Nuisance

Siting down one corner and just listening to sad song as tears just flow down like a flowing tap which loses it tap. I seems like I don't learn, I am an NUISANCE to you.... ... why in the world I want to let you in back?... after me for a time sure u get bored and dump me ...scare I become a 'thing' for your friend to talk about you... what you care is yourself. Miss me, a big fake la..... but I still love you.. and treating all this is my wrong... why?

Please Kin..take over your emotion and do not let it happen again .... haiz..
Why everything have to happen like this... It is not I'm hoping for anyway...
Thanks to everybody who cares.. but I really don't know what to do

Happy CNY & Valentine along ~

The first day of Chinese New Year, should be a happy and wonderful day for everyone who celebrate it and with conjunction of Valentine Day~ especially with the present of the love ones beside them.....

As for me, I don't really felt the atmosphere as I felt very lonely yet it is quite sad as there is nothing I can do even with the present of relatives, I still feel lonely for the first time ever I celebrated CNY. Yet I still thinking about you... How are you?

Haiz.. I still cant stop thinking about you. Life just go on and on.

Kin

I'm Kin... a silly boy who always get himself in trouble always and there is no cure to it. Your answer, may sound shaky but it is your decision. I really don't know who I'm really am. Every single night, thinking of the next day, how will it be without it. Every single moment, pretending to be cheerful, just hoping others to smile back and deep inside me is just the pain that I held inside.
I'm not like this. I should be what other people said, happy, cheerful, and enjoy life, but it seems like I'm just sad, scared and disappointed every single moment. Some friend really tried to cheer me up, but not really as I don't like to drag my friend along to my own sorrow.

Hmm.... Pity

I do not even know how Jay Jay got its chain stuck between the gap of its basket and tighten it...causing it to chock on it own... and if I were just one minute late, it sure go heaven T_T....... and lucky I decide to stay back at home ALONE....... if not habis...... no one were to help it .... anyhow lucky its ok...even tough I do not really know why so many blood bleeding out from its mouth.

People Like Us

Come to think about the presentation that I did actually presented in front of my course mate, I feel it is quite interesting as I'm sure out of 100 .. maybe 4-5 people will choose this topic "PLU" NOT PLY OR GLU...its "P"eople "L"ike "U"s, and I do wonder how this name can be form. Maybe it the small group of PLUs that decided to name them this =D.

My outline:~~

Introduction: PLU is a term for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transsexual (LGBT) of Singapore and Malaysia.

Content:

i. Roles

a) Top – The masculine figure of the relationship. (assertive, protective)

b) Bottom – The feminine figure of the relationship. (passive, receiving)

ii. Appearance & Attitude

a) Varied personalities, as expected in any society; straight-acting, soft, conscious of appearance, predatory, etc.

b) It is assumed one side of a lesbian relationship is more daring than the other, more openly masculine. Affirming with top role.

c) Homosexual male are usually more accepted by females than males.

d) Most are friendly, due to always trying to avoid hostility with others, due to less acceptance in society, which will be covered later .

e) Usually would try to expand their social network, though the internet/meetings, as the gay community is small and isolated in smaller towns and cities in the country.

iii. Rejection

a) Mostly disapproved by society, family and many religions.

b) With the unproven notion that homosexual men are the cause of higher rate in the spread of HIV/AIDS.

c) Due to this, PLU are not willing to expose their identities, and therefore ‘stay in the closet’.

Conclusion: It is the 21^st century. In order to further support the modernization of the world and it’s societies, people should start accepting others for who they are, and not conform to discrimination against certain individuals who are different. They are still human.

In fact I did admit myself as a PLU as I'm really a Bisexual in front of the whole course mate... and they got impress....and lucky I did not loses any friends =D.

As for the teacher comments....

She said I have influence of mother tongue.. Do I speech like a Chinese? Maybe .. and I score 24/30 .. not bad for a loud voice and interesting topic that got all attention. Anyhow , I do not feel disgusted when I admit that I'm PLU.... as I'm so open minded..... Not that open . =D

Thank to Joe helping me in this topic too....
Zen I did mention you in my presentation... you're famous already.

Stars~

Each star i fold, I actually thinking back the past. Sweet and bitter memories mixed along make me feel how silly am I when I was young. When I was a kid, each star I fold perfectly make me feel so happy ... and will get over excited with it.... and repeat the same scenario when I did it again and again XD..

It was so cute that time.....
Now each stars I fold may have a message inside, its like I'm treating it as a locket to keep my trouble away and it does help me feel better after writing the feeling down on a strap of paper and just fold it on.. making me feel much more ease up.

Sometimes the stars I fold with meaning.. I will just give it out even it carries painful memories of mine to my friends and who knows, they won't open the stars rite =D and the memories just go off like that.

The left hand of Nekhbet ( 4 Chalices ) ( Upright )

Yeah my daily tarot , which mean a good day , or better still good luck . Went out with my parent to check my undang ceramah expire or not... but sadly it does~ just a day back = =", I didn't feel anything but my dad gave me lecture...and he asked me ...money grow on tree? XD... If that became reality, I think the whole world will not suffer from poverty. Yet I don't really have a appetite to have breakfast along =D... Therefore, I didn't actually take my breakfast well....

After that .... Sure go back home =D...and bath...listen to Lady GaGa... Bad Romance ( Electro House remix ) and it was cool....the way how the Deejays remix the song... awesome... and hunting down my handphone along.... It seems like my handphone love to hide itself from me .... so sweet ...
And yes... I found it...... under my bed.....and it's time to go ouT! ...to Wangsa Maju just to cut hair =D... and plan to go Subang.... ... which took like half an hour to reach KL Sentral and another 45 min to wait and ride that damn slow KTM = ="

When reach, there is a guy named Shahnon (let assume he is an orange) ...and the orange actually planned want to hang out together...since we just know online... if my parent know about this sure will kena lecture from them again.......... for maybe 15 till 30 minutes. Well that orange...drove an orange car..... and we got a bit of problem deciding where to go next, ( that orange should know well more then me~)

And decided... that big big lion,......with the pyramid... (Sunway Pyramid = = if you can't figure it out), and we just walk around.... ... like and orange and a human XD! and decide where to eat~...
The orange 'said' that he will bring me go eat bone tea meat...... but in the end turn out to me Mc Donalds ...but anyway I do enjoy the lovely Sundae Strawberry ~ love it so much

After enjoying my lovely Sundae Strawberry ( I did forget what was I doing at Sunway when I enjoying) then orange decided to watch a movie..... and I wondering what movie to watch.... as I watch mostly already XD~but then lucky we both haven't watch tooth fairy~ and we booked a time.... which leave around half hour free for us to wonder around in the arcade..... we play a shooting game...which i don't even know what to shoot ... and an unsure versus fun game..... we draw =D (not to mention that my finger was hurt during the process..maybe it's orange dirty tricks )and than..time for the Tooth Fairy... There was a lady... who keep stepping on my shoe along in the cinema F.Y.I..... either she flirting or she nuts =X.

Then we plan to walk.... but orange wanted to steal some candy....so I "accompany" him there along =D......and after his crime.... he ran out of juice and need to restock .... and somehow we planned to go to the mamak stall (which i forgotten which area ). While on the way, the orange went to hunt down his friend while I get myself some air XD.

And when the orange drove his car... and he call his father...... so sweet talk to each other. . . as the "son" talk so loud... and i assume if someone is outside the car... i guess he/she could hear it very well XD and the orange drove us to a .. let assume medium grade mamak stall~.. he order the same as me..just that he has an extra egg!~ My dad did called.... and ask me where am I..... (ps ... parent will not know the location of me) as they want to go to IKEA...... CNY shopping ~=D

And eventually the orange can drive me to IKEA.... =D how sweet rite~but we got a bit lost while we on the way~ (at least got a bit more time together...LOLZ) and after he dropped me..... orange got lost for an hour..... who knows how and why he can get lost in kepong =D


And as for me .... I followed my parent shop awhile and go back =D.....sweet~~

Maybe the card tell me, it is a good day to let go everything?... I did't think of you when I was outside....and I do realise how important is friend is now.....beside hurting my finger =X

Kin ! Kin ! wake up

What does it feels like betraying someone love towards you?
What does it feels like being attach with some else whom the person you loved is with someone?
What does it feels like to be in love to someone who love you but we are not attach?
And
The feels that your lover told his/hers buddy, you're his/her ex-lover where you two are attached together?

The feeling that the relationship is at risk, getting back, and breaks off again.... tired, disappointed.
And even though broke, we still keep in touch .... as close as what we use to do when we are together. I am getting nut day by day, all this memories, hurting me day by day, I can't just seems to let go of you anymore but I have to face the fact that there will be no more YOU in my life... maybe forever if you found someone who is way better than me... sure you will find, I'm disgusting, useless, selfish, and even crazy... sure you will feel uncomfortable when I'm around. Funny

What am I doing acually?

When I first enter this circle, there are a lot of thing that I didn't know at all.....and slowly till now, the past may be effecting my lifestyle now. I always feels that I'm a loner .....among a society, I don't know am I doing the right things?...I guess not.... I keeps on separating myself away....

After UPSR , I pick up smoking ...thanks to my brother who left his cigarettes lighted outside...when sending him to Nilai Collage Hostel... and eventually I smoke till ....let say awhile ? and I stopped .. cause I been coughing out black stuff but i started back... around last year...and guess what it helps me in reducing nose bleeds... and I don't know how it does...and until now I'm am just waiting for a side effect... lolz

When I was ....15... where internet was so amazing... everything can be found online...but not as fast and rich information as now ...everyday gaming ,.....RYL O2Jam.....blah blah blah...and websites... from that very moment, I meet someone new......well bring me out and played me....and then I realize it was not a good habit ...therefore I just ignore that animal.....

after that i met vampi... well vampi was good in entertaining ... yet things changes... or maybe i just fell in a puppy love stage ... actually i can still remember the moments we spend together... and i really treasure it very well... one of my best memories in life actually...beside it was also my first time traveling so far by using public transport .... but sadly.... it ended..

well no need to say who is after vampi.... that person after vampi was just playing me again... and did things behind my back ....always... and did with my pet brother ... well although is disappointing.... life have to move on right?

i going skip some .. cause i cant really tell all in here ...=D
maybe come overnight my house...i may tell you as bed time story,,,

then come...panda......................well basic things i call panda is that... you know panda got 2 big eye bags =D so cute~...keke well panda said.... maybe at my birthday will end ...i actually stun and did not know what to do...as there is a person that panda still wants and needed....which is the ex......whom i seeing in class quite often

= ="

Yet now , it is you, i cant really describe how special you are in here, words cant just say how great you are in my eyes, yet i will soon lose you.....forever....

18 / 1 / 2010

Though you may be happy as you get a new husky, your smile still remain in my soul. When you smile I keep thinking that I'm just a ussless yet can't help you smile more. I know that some part of you needs me but your memories just keep hunting ..and keeps on hunting till you choose to let go of me part by part.

I just think, maybe when you get another, it may helps to let go me fully, but I don't seems to understand. Why does a perfect relation have to end just by a few words. I'm 19 this year yet I felt so useless.. in studies.. in life...and in you. I never blame myself as I'm the one who cause all this to happen. My past have been always hunts me to dare me to do so but when I just betray your trust in me, I felt wrong.... very wrong....is like the pain in me that will never be forgiven at all.

I'm now blogging in your room, looking at you sleeping soundly....so cute, beautiful.. but did you know that I cried at this very moment? I held you warm hand .. look at your silly sleeping face.. and just cry just right beside you. I never intend to tell you so as i just don't want you to suffer more because of me.

I know you will be very unhappy if you will to see me cry beside you. I shouldn't have cried too, but I can't help it. All this memories hunts me deeper and deeper every single moment.

As I smoke outside your house, I feel... why does this thing have to be imperfect for you?...holding back my tears .. and it was raining.... wind blew towards my direction... and what am I thinking is just you. Only you who I need the most everysingle second of my action

Will I ? Will I Not?

Was it just yesterday, or always? Do you still love me, or just want me? Or it is just to satisfy your needs?
Why does these unanswered question keeps popping out from my mind? I should be focusing on my exam but then, YOU ,
each time I see you , I feel weak, lost, and just want you only.
Yet I do know that it is just temporary that I can feel you till you found someone else... soon..

Time To Move On?

You said it, you don't love me anymore, so there is no reason for me to soften my heart for you anymore. Let the memories be the past, even though it is hard to let it go.

GaGa Dream == ?

I still need you,
I still miss you,
Your smell,
Your looks,
Your voice,
Like what I dreamed today, funny Lady GaGa was singing Bad Romance in front of me,
You know that I want you, You know that I need you....
Rah Ra Ah Ah~

Haiz just a dream can freak me out, yet it just reminded me how much I do love you.
I'm now chatting with you while you didn't notice that I'm crying along. Each time I see you, face you, every single word came out from my mouth or typed to you feels like a stab in my heart. Wondering why? Why do all this thing have to comes to an end while we can be stable to be together.

How long more do I need to suffer? Yet, each time I glance back the memories of us, I felt happy and secured yet suffer when I face reality.